i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
