are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
