I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
