Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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