I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
