and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
