Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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