I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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