Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
