My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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