tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
