when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
