$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
