i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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