I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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