im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
