The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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