i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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