ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
