Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
