No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
