It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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