How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
