she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
