Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
