I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
