Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
