this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
