so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
