he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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