can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
