PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
