Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
