Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
