So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
