first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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