i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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