Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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