it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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