My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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