I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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