she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
