dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
