it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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