come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
