So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
