did you get engaged???
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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