yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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