I wish my penis had an off switch
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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