You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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