If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
