I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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