so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
