One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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