I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
