Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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