I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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