Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
