I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
